I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
this coming from the guy that still thinks "pulling out" is a good form of birth control? just walk away
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
With your fertility you would just get contact pregnant
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
Randomize
