Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
there is partying, then there is whatever we did last night.
Randomize
