he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
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