i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
Randomize
