Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
i think i just witnessed the elusive male walk of shame
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
Paris has not been good for her. Everytime she has a one night stand from a different country, she buys a mini flag and tapes it to her wall with the others
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
Randomize
