im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
She wants out first dance to be to 98 degrees i do cherish you...remember how i said we didn't need open bar....
Dating After Heartbreak
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
These Images Prove Chrissy Teigen is the Funniest Model Alive
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
You know Sunday Funday was a success when 'puke and rally' came at lunchtime on Monday.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."