Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
Is it weird that I think of Ennis from Brokeback Mountain everytime I hear "Make em Say" by Master P? "I don't need your money. Huh." NA NA NA NAAA.
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
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