I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
i'm lost and i look like a hooker
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
she quoted hannah montana in her facebook status. i will never be speaking to her in person again.
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
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