i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
It hit me after I slept with his best friends and brother, that maybe I took it a bit far
I'm pretty sure they had a hash wedding cake. I love college weddings.
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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