we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
just got drunk at a party with Christmas themed solo cups.. holidays are officially here.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
I still have the video of you three making soup in my kitchen and asking random people for permission DURING the party, not after like usually
Don't remember, didn't happen
I HAVE THE VIDEO YOU DICK IT HAPPENED
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
Randomize
