I just googled maps his house, and took the virtual tour back to my apartment, just so I could visualize the walk of shame in the morning
Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
