It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
is there a line between daddy kink and oedipus complex?
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Randomize
