I texted him to clear the air a bit, apologized if I freaked him out. No reply. So I'm gonna go ahead and fuck someone in a barn tonight.
There was so much of it... it was like he poured a bowl of pudding on my face. It's not bad for your hair is it?
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Randomize
