i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
I just remember getting him back by licking the window on his truck.
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
And now thanks to shrooms we all got a terrifying glimpse of what goes on in his head. I will not say I didn't see it coming when it turns out he made a suit out of people's skin
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
Yeah. Still not happy that my prof saw a picture of my vag.
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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