When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
we both passed out while playing beer pong, woke up in the morning and continued to play coffee pong to cure our hangovers
Yes, I am watching The Hills Have Thighs. And yes it is a porno remake of The Hills Have Eyes. And, again, yes, lesbian sex in the desert. Get the sand out.
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
Randomize
