Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
You two kept repeating the same thing over and over. It was like looking after retarded pull-string dolls.
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
He has me blocked on facebook.... so I stalked him using my cats fan page.
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