There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
I am growing concerned with the number of people here in cowboy hats
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
Randomize
