Does this mean you'll turn into an Albanian at the next full moon?
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
I should have but it might be too early in this fuckbuddyship to emasculate him
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
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