Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
i love accidental penises.
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
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