Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
Also barcrawl friday. You ARE wearing a tiara
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
Just boned her on my desk. on top of my term paper. take that professor dipshit
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
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