I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
Take advantage man but know that every anal bead u drop inside her will make her love u 2% more. It's science
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
Your cock deserves a montage
I'M NOT READY TO BE AB ADULT YET!!!
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
Randomize
