That's intense
everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
Randomize
