dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
Randomize
