3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
I just got back to Nicks and I shoul dnot have drank this much when I have to work at 7AM!!!!!
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
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