I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
I'm not trying to take your husband away from you, but can we have another 3way soon? I'm just desperate for good dick.
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
