I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
I got inside last night via doggy door
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
