i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
This was all being yelled across a beer pong table as all important things should be discussed
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
You can achieve whatever you wish in your imagination with some help from drugs
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
Randomize
