Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
My liver just had a heart attack.
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
Randomize