The maid of honor just puked.
Blackout barefoot maybe pregnant
Good decisions....
Just got blue box Mac and cheese things are looking up
Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
drinking warm bud heavies i found in the garage and googling how to tell the gosselin kids apart.
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Then you jumped off your bed with your arms outstretched, yelled "I'm Goliath, watch out New York!" and then began singing the Gargoyles theme song as you 'soared' around your room.
Don't be ridiculous, the Gargoyles theme song has no words. How could I sing that mess?
You just started going "da da da da da! da da da da da! DA DA!!" then going "swoosh" as you glided about.
This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
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He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
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