i just sent this text using only my big toe
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
Randomize
