God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
waiting in line for my ID. the kid in front of me reaks of hopes and dreams and hornyness-- freshmen by calvin klein
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
Randomize
