Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
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