No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
We did hand stand push-ups while beer bonging. Its now a thing
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
I had to join a gym to keep up with this 22 yr old
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
Randomize
