Who do you think planted the wheat? Who do you think cleared the land and killed off the native inhabitants? Women?
Do ugly people know they are ugly?
The quiet ones do.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
Randomize
