Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
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