they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
Well, he sent me "techno kitty adventure" about 10 minutes ago. So, he could be anywhere.
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
Randomize
