Girls only wine night turned into a sloppy drunk lesbian orgy again
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
You pretty much isn't said it
Those words don't go together.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
He came all over her clothes we have to leave
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
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