she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
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