I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
