My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
He said he wanted to go to France " just to piss in the nice areas". I want to fuck him.
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
Watching Supernatural does more for me sexually than the physical encounters with 90% of the men in my life.
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
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