just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
Houston, we have a blender
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
Randomize
