Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
I'm drinking ghetto ass mojitos!
Wow. How can mojitos be ghetto?
Squirt + bacardi limon + limes = ghetto mojitos
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
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