Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
So what other shows do you masturbate to? Or is it just friends
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
Randomize
