my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
Never go drinking with anime club. End of story.
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
Randomize
