And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
2 classes, 3 finals, and $30 worth of adderall until this semester is over.
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
I need moral support for this bender
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
I take to many stalker pics of him. If he ever looks through my phone he'll never give me sex again :(
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
Randomize
