My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
I think he might be using me for sex. I also think I might be ok with that.
all i want in life is a shot and a cock is that too much to ask
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Randomize
