Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
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