Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
The bouncer was being really rude for no reason. Steph PICKED him up and physically MOVED him from our path on the way out.
Well thats the pro of going out drinking with a pro body builder. Even if its a girl.
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
I just wanna know if were done hooking up so I know of that condom he left in my top drawer is fair game
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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