R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
Randomize
