I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
if i found out she had a dick after i got head, does that still make me gay?
All i remember was he was wearing billibong pants... well actually my mom found that out for me.
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
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