I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
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