Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
So my POF profile is full of Archer references. Only guys who get them will be getting any response to their messages.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
Randomize
