I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
with all this snow coming, and no school, I figure why not try every possible liquor snowcone.
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You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
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